Code Words: Martina Navratilova….

So, it’s been a little over 2 weeks since I’ve been back in Florida and I am starting to settle in a bit. My parents and I haven’t killed each other and I’m starting to get used to the humidity again. The biggest shock to my system has been the low visibility of gays in the area. I moved here from the homo motherland, also known as, San Francisco. You couldn’t swing a Gucci tote in The City without hitting some queen in the back of the head…literally.

I thought I spotted a lesbian couple my second day here. Although, I haven’t seen them since  the initial sighting and I’m starting to wonder if they were really lesbians or just a couple of girls with bad butch hair cuts. I wonder if this means that my gaydar(it is a real thing) is already starting to wane.

For example, I was playing tennis last week and 2 courts over from me were 3 guys rallying together. For a moment, I thought one of them was a friend of Gaga (gay dictionary, see: friend of Dorothy). I swore I heard him let out a couple of squeals when he hit a ball into the net or outside the lines. But, with me not exactly trusting my gaydar at the moment I was a little hesitant to say anything. And here’s why: 1)In SF you don’t get hit in the face if you mistakenly think a dude is gay. The straight guys in SF are so metro and hipstery they would just laugh it off and try and fix you up with their gay best friend. 2)In Ormond Beach I’m not that sure you won’t get hit in the face. I’ve made it 37 and a half years preserving this gorgeous face of mine and I’m not about to risk it now.

After I heard the squeals on court last week, I called up my friend Rich and shared with him my thoughts on the situation. He suggested that I should have chatted them up and talked about Martina, as in Martina Navratilova, and watched for a reaction. This, of course, had us both in a fit of giggles. But, maybe he was right.  Do I need a code word?

So, here’s what I imagined. I walk up to the group of guys on the tennis court and start the following conversation. Me:”Hi there! I’m Kevin. I just moved here from San Francisco and I’m looking for some people to hit with(said with big smile).” Them:”Hi. Okay(said with blank faces).” Me:”Who’s your favorite tennis player? Mine is Martina. You know, Martina Navratilova(said slowly and deliberately). Do you like Martina(big smile and a wink)?” Them:”Ummm…she’s good. We prefer McEnroe, Sampras and Federer more(said with confused faces).” Me:”Oh, I like male players too! That Fernando Verdasco is so hot…I mean good(said with a worried look on face).” Them:”Umm…yeah, we have to go(said with weirded out faces).”  Me:”Whew!!! I get to walk home with my face intact (said silently in my head). YAY!!!”

I Guess I’ll have to wait for my gaydar to re adjust to my new location. Until then, I know what I won’t be doing. I won’t be going around town walking up to people I suspect might be gay whispering “Psssst! Pssssssst! Gaga….Lady Gaga (Martina only works for the tennis courts).” I will, however, remain open to making new friends. And it doesn’t matter if they are gay, straight, or have bad butch haircuts. All I care about is that they are good people.

Just out of curiosity, what do you think would make a good gay code word(s)? Leave me your best gay code word(s) in the comment section.  Until next time!