I’ve watched a lot, and I mean a lot, of gay themed movies over the years. Some good, a lot bad. There is one particular recurring plot line that I have constantly bristled at. Perhaps you’ve seen one or two like it. It’s the one where the title character, we’ll call him Ashley, has been living in a big city (usually NYC, LA, or San Francisco) and suddenly finds himself having to return to a place that he thought he escaped from years ago…his hometown. Usually his hometown is the complete opposite of his current living location. Most of the time it’s some small, conservative, rural town in the south, midwest, or even Alaska.
Ashley returns back to his hometown after being gone for at least 10 years and has to do so because of a death, a sickness in the family, or because of aged parents. Once he’s back in town he has to confront his past and the people he left behind that he really tried hard to forget. He has to face up to his personal demons that he tried so hard to run from. And once he’s back and has to face everyone as an out gay man, he braces for the rejection that he tried so hard to avoid by leaving the town in the first place.
Ashley was only intending on staying in town for a short time. Returning back to the city as soon as the funeral is over, or sick loved one is out of the hospital, or he’s certain that his aging parents are doing okay without him. Except it’s never that simple. Usually it’s because an estate has to be handled, the sick loved one has to be cared for further, or the aging parents need additional help. In Ashley’s case we’ll say it’s because his aging parents actually need his help. This of course is only supposed to take a few more weeks.
This is where the plot thickens. What was supposed to be only a few weeks turns into a few months. During these few months Ashley has come in contact with a lot of people from his past. It turns out that only a small few reject him for being gay. In fact, most welcome him with open arms. The biggest problem for them is not that he’s gay. The biggest problem is that he stayed away so long, with little or no contact, making them feel rejected. So during these few months Ashley works on rebuilding friendships and making new ones. And surprise, surprise, he even reconnects with his high school crush who was “straight” back then but not anymore. They rebuild their friendship and start dating, both knowing that Ashley has to return back to the city soon.
Fast forward a month or two. It’s now time for Ashley to leave and he doesn’t want to go. In the last few months he’s come to some harsh realizations about himself. One being that his life in the city wasn’t really going all that great. Also, for a long time Ashley felt like his life was missing something; like a missing piece of a puzzle. And now, at this moment, he feels like he found the missing piece and feels complete and whole for the first time in his life. He’s also come to a mutual respect and understanding with his parents; something that he didn’t have before. Ashley also realizes that he is in love for the first time in his life. So, with all of this new found realization and enlightenment, Ashley decides to stay put in his hometown. He moves in with the love of his life and lives happily ever after. The End.
To be completely honest, the reason I have always found this plot line to be a little off putting is because I was afraid of becoming Ashley. I rejected the notion that one day I would find myself back in my hometown in Florida and suddenly realize that I should stay and settle down there. This is in no way meant to offend any of my friends that did settle down here and are doing well. It’s just that as a child I was always drawn to the big city and always dreamed of traveling the world. So, I have rejected anything that I thought would keep me from realizing those dreams. But, trust me, the irony is not lost on me as I write this from my parents house in Florida.
So, here’s the thing. I’ve kinda become Ashley with a few differences. I am back in Florida at my parents but not in my hometown. I didn’t come back because my parents were sick or because they needed me. I came back because I was in a downward spiral career wise, emotionally, and financially. I came back because I needed them. But, like Ashley, I initially had plans for my stay to be short and sweet. Get in, get out, and get back to the city. But, after a month and a half, I’ve come to some realizations about myself.
I really wasn’t as happy as I could have been in San Francisco. It had nothing to do with the city or the incredible friends that I had there. It had to do with me. Me not having a job for a year and sinking further into a financial crisis. I was borderline depressed and always emotionally stressed. San Francisco is an amazing city but I wasn’t enjoying it like I should. I was watching my life fall apart and I didn’t really do anything to stop it. So, I removed myself from the turmoil and came back to Florida. It’s amazing how much calmer you become when you don’t have to worry about paying rent.
Coming here I thought I had a plan. But, in reality, I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t known what I was doing for a long time. I now have the time to figure it out. Granted, I have made a few frantic phone calls to friends stating that I can’t handle this and I want to go back. Fortunately my friends knew to calm me down and helped me to realize that will get better. As one of my best friends reminds me every day, “San Francisco isn’t going anywhere. It’s always going to be there. Your friends are always going to be there. Get a hold of yourself, calm your nerves, and really think about what you want to do with your life.” It’s the verbal equivalent of slapping a hysterical person in the face. Sometimes I think he wishes he could reach through the phone and actually slap me. I’m glad he can’t. I think he would enjoy it way too much.
Something else I’ve realized is that my parents also need me here. It really is hard to see them in this aged state. The feisty, fire tempered, tell you off in a heartbeat mother I had growing up is starting to become a fading memory. It’s still inside of her and occasionally comes out, but it’s not the same. She’s almost 74 and doesn’t really leave the house except for doctors appointments. Her arthritis is so bad that she can barely walk. It prevents her from being in one position for too long or her joints lock up and become really painful to move them. She stays mostly in her bedroom and alternates between lying in her bed and sitting on the side of her bed to keep her knees from locking up. She’s clearly depressed, at times, thinking about her life’s regrets and how her life is now. I’m also saddened about how her life is now.
My father is almost 75 and gets around much better than my mother. He still drives and is still pretty mobile despite his arthritis. His health, like my mother’s, has declined drastically in the last 5 years. His once youthful face seems soured and a little hardened. The once salt and pepper hair is now completely white. When I look into his face I can almost see every regret he has about his life written on it. He also is dealing with the fact that of his 3 remaining siblings, 2 have Alzheimer’s disease and the other is dying in a Philadelphia hospital.
Being around all of this has strangely given me some perspective. My life could be a lot worse than it is. I also have a lot of time to turn it around and get my life together. Even though I initially came here for me, I’ve realized that coming here wasn’t all about me. My parents need me right now…just as much, if not more, than I need them. I can see the shift in our relationship. It’s becoming a better and much calmer one. I’ve also realized that I have become Ashley in movie of my life. Although, I am not dating nor falling in love with a high school crush; I have reconnected with old friends. Thanks to Facebook, just about everyone back in my hometown has friended me and knows I’m gay.
Getting my shit together is going to take some time. There’s a quote that I’ve been hearing a lot lately, “You’re never too old to become what you were meant to be.” Another variation is, “You’re never too old to become what you want to be.” Either way, I still have time to figure it all out. I still reject the notion that I will end up settling down here. I’m a city mouse and love the big city too much to do that. But, I do know that for right now, I am where I am supposed to be. I can tell that I’m really close to finding that missing puzzle piece.
I’ve changed the title of my movie. It’s now, ‘The Journey Back Home: The Kevin Ashley Rose Story’ and I can’t wait to see how it ends.
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